A rebellion against the impossible

It's now one year since I formally started Bear Bell Productions. Then it was mostly as a rebellion against the feeling of being stuck in my uninspired but safe, comortable and money generating job. It was a protest against that I had ruled out my possibilities to do something new and challenging - and risky. I thought that if I "pretend" that it's possible anyway, it might actually be at the end. So this was my actual and determined first step.

Then I started taking the next small, small steps to get my little business going - something I thought I would tinker with parallell to my ordinary day job. I registered Bear Bell Productions as a "Enskild firma" (equivalent to Sole proprietor in the US) at Skatteverket (our government agency for taxes). Then I purchased a hosting solution (webbhotell), registered my domain name, created an e-mail adress and started a simple web page. I did all this without much thought and planning, just to have an actual start, a platform that made it more official that I had started something new, on my way to defy impossibilities.

But my ordinary and uninspiring but money making day job as well as the "falling-down" effect that 2-3 hours of commuting created - just took  away way too much time and energy for me to be able to be creative with any kind of continuity once I got home and all the picking-up-the-kids-from-school-making-dinner-and-everything-else-you-need-to-do-with-house-and-family was done (is it ever done?). So not much happened in a couple of months. I managed to create a handful of patterns and illustrations, but the doubts about my skills and talent fell down on me like nails and the dream felt as far away as ever before. I had no idea on how to solve this, or if I would ever be able to do it at all. The only thing I knew was that I didn't want to continue doing what I was doing, I didn't want to stay at my job any longer. I even had thoughts about getting a job as a cashier at a supermarket or the hardware store around the corner something. At least it wouldn't force me to think about work after the work day was ended and take away the hours sitting in endless traffic. Bear Bell Productions existed, but not much more. I had to do either do something about that or quit it.